Tales from the Crutch(es)

Tale the first: Imagine this scenario -- You’ve just dropped something on the ground. How do you retrieve it? Do you:

1. Rest your armpits into the crutches and stretch out your hand as far as the tendons in your arm will allow? This solution fits easily into your tendencies to be lazy (considering that, in a similar situation, if the bowl of chips were just out of reach of the couch you would stretch and strain yourself to reach it without having to actual remove bum cheeks from couch cushions). The solution does, however, put your vertical position at risk for when you reach too far and suddenly realize you have nothing to catch yourself on and no where to go but down.
2. Take both crutches in one hand, balance them opposite your good foot, while the useless appendage hovers somewhere hopefully out of harms way and force your quadriceps to prove their worth? This solution, while wholly against the couch potato in you, allows a much less strenuous attempt to reach the goal. Unfortunately, there is the very realistic fact that once down in squatting position (using only one leg mind you) your rear is much closer to the ground than your head to the ceiling thereby increasing the magnetic pull on your body in a less than desirable direction.
3. Take hold of something more in reach and throw it at that which you desire as if to say “Ah! See that scary flying thing you were almost hit with? You should really move closer to me so as to avoid injury from such dangers. I’ll hold on to you…” This solution has the potential to satiate the frustration that threatens to consume reason. You will undoubtedly be branded with some sort of social repelling label, but I still find that this solution is my favorite of the three. At least then, when you fall flat on your backside while attempting to merely stand, you don’t have to feign embarrassment.

Tale the second: Hallways and Doors (Coming soon)